Couples are attracted to these quick sex fixes because they sound so much easier than working on the deeper issues (trust, intimacy, and expressing love) that create barriers between them. In contrast, working to build greater trust and intimacy often quickly brings benefits both in the bedroom and in every other part of the couple’s life together. And they will be left feeling even more defeated and hopeless than when they started. It doesn’t matter how hot and spicy you make the sexual fantasy, if the couple doesn’t have feel a safe and intimate emotional connection, the sex will quickly fall flat or stop altogether. It will feel completely unnatural, create a huge amount of stress, and result in the partners feeling even more distant from each other. In fact, for couples who are having trouble connecting sexually, forcing them to bring new toys, new fantasies, or new people into the bedroom will only make things worse. The solution to being an unhappy couple isn’t to wear masks, use handcuffs, or pretend to pick each other up at a bar. You start feeling disconnected, and then you stop having sex. You don’t stop having sex and then feel disconnected as a couple. And that loss of connection shows up in their sex life. The loss of sex reflects a loss of the deep intimate connection between the two partners.

It’s about the quality of their relationship. When couples stop having sex or stop enjoying sex it’s almost never about the quality of the sex. It’s not about boring sex – it’s about the relationshipĪnd the reason it won’t help, is because the problem isn’t the sex it’s their relationship. Very soon, the couple will find themselves right back where they started, wondering why they don’t seem to be having much (or any) sex and why they are having so little fun in the bedroom. But for couples who are having sex problems, this strategy won’t yield long-term benefits. Sex toys and fantasies may be useful for couples that already have a good sex life and want to make it better. While this sounds great, it almost never works. All you need to do is to let yourself loose and everything will immediately be better. And their solution is to change Vanilla Sex into Spicy Sex, or Passionate Sex. These publications tell you that the path to better sex is to SPICE IT UP! Everywhere you look, the advice is the same, if you’re not happy with your sex life, change the way you’re having sex.Īccording to everyone from Cosmopolitan to Psychology Today, if you’re not happy with your sex life, it’s your own fault for having boring vanilla sex. Even bad sex is better than no sex.īut if that’s true, why are so many couples having little or no sex? And why aren’t they enjoying the sex they do have? Blaming vanilla sexĪccording to 1,000’s of websites and supermarket magazines, the reason people aren’t having sex or enjoying sex, is because they’re doing it wrong. You remember the bumper sticker “A bad day fishing is better than a great day working”. That’s a statement that most people can support wholeheartedly.

Vanilla sex